The August rain crashed down so hard and loudly that we could barely hear one another indoors. I was propped up against the wall, having given up on life, listening to the waves of sound, soaring and then sinking, outside. The woman, who’d appeared suddenly, informed me that my options were exhausted. But that I should know that strings had been pulled, resulting in this situation, which she called ‘a decent way to go’.
I thought she was joking, so I asked her.
She said that she’d been serious and that the storm had been arranged so that I couldn’t hear it coming. Apparently, things could have fanned out in worse ways. I didn’t doubt her on that.
A new wave of rain, more intense than the previous, came down on the building, as if a solid wall of water had been placed between this little windowless house I was trapped in and everything else.
“They’re all gone,” she said.
“They?”
“Yes, any potential help is gone.”
There was a surging-falling sound – in the storm outside – like objects fighting to climb up into the sky. Multiple objects.
“It’s them”, she said, as she saw where my eyes were. I’d been looking out of the corner of my eyes, craning my neck upwards, following the sound.
“Them?”
“Yes, all the Spirits you’d have thought would show up. They’re leaving.”
“No, I wasn’t expecting any.”
“No?”
“No.”
“Who were you expecting then ?”
“No one. I wasn’t expecting visitors.”
“Not even demons? All your fears – they originate from somewhere you know.
“Figments of my imagination. No more than that.”
“You don’t really believe that.”
I didn’t want to think about my fears. Not then, not at the absolute end. I wished for music instead. Anything to put my mind at ease. Let that come however it will, but please let me go out with good music.
“Tori Amos”, she said suddenly, as if making an offering.
I was surprised. She’d guessed correctly. Did she read my mind ? So, it seems she’s one of those blessed beings. Now I knew.
“Everything that exists at this point will remain, of course. The real question is if you will return.”
The opening chords of Cornflake Girl starting in the background and I couldn’t stop a smile from appearing on my face and staying there. Despite myself, I was feeling happy again.
“When will it happen?” I asked her.
“As always, in good time. When they are ready to receive you.”
“Will I simply be put out. Or fade away? Will I be reborn?”
“You’ve received answers to many such questions by now. In fact, you’ve been asking your whole life, haven’t you?”
That was true. Only, I wasn’t sure if the answers I’d got so far were the truth.
“You’ll find out soon enough.”
“If I come back, will there be a Tori Amos? And her music.”
“Everything that exists at this point will remain, of course. The real question is if you will return.”
“In the future?”
“In the-”. The lights went out. Sounds. Feelings. Consciousness. Everything went out.
Everything.
photo from unsplash.com by Lucy Chian